Suicide

[I am a huge CUNT]

The Heath Ledger thing got me thinking.

Depression happens to a lot of people, and I was wondering about DC. I am not currently depressed, but I have been many times before, particularly in middle school.

I'm about to tell something very very personal, and please, if you are going to joke about this, I really don't want to hear it. This is a very serious matter, and I hope one day it may save someone else from doing the same thing. My parents do not even know this.

Anyways, it was middle school when I went to school in Indiana.

I wasn't to happy with my physical appearance. I had glasses, zits, didn't wear the greatest clothes in the world, and was often made fun of.

The ridicule was absolutely ridiculous. Kids would break glasses and it was just so horrible. I begged to get out of the school system, but I was not allowed until after the school year had finished, not because my parents hated me, but because it was not convenient for us as a family at the time. My dad did not have a job and we were hurting because of it. I had to make a lot of sacrifices.

Well, I was sick of it. I hated me and I hated my life. There wasn't anyone that I could turn to. So, one day, I skipped school and went home, where I was alone. Wrote a letter to my family and what friends that I did have. I told them goodbye. I told them I appreciated how much they mean to me and I thanked them for the kind treatment over the years because they had the common decency to do so. About 3 pages.

I grabbed my dad's gun. Put one bullet in it and turned off the safety. It was then that I did put the gun to my head, but right before I pulled the trigger, I couldn't do it. I started balling my eyes out. I told myself how crazy I actually was for doing it. Everything in my life just flashed right before my eyes. There were so many people that cared about me. I was smart, and had a few friends who I had a great time with. I played sports, and for the most part, was liked on the team, just not invited to a lot of parties. That was too much to give up. I shredded the letters and threw the bullet as far as I could out my back window. Put the gun back in it's place, and cried the rest of the day at what I was just about to do.

Later that summer, my dad got a great job. We decided to move the family back to Michigan. I lost my glasses and zits over the summer. I made a lot of new friends, and got back in touch with a lot of them that I had left behind when I previously lived there.

We had a nice house. The one in Indiana was a dump. I found a girlfriend. Life was perfect. It was so much better than the life that I had been living, and I'm thankful that I didn't carry out the task that I was planning on carrying out that April morning.

I still live that new life today. I have a wonderful girlfriend, play varsity sports as a sophomore and freshman, and I am a very popular guy with a lot of great friends.

It just shows you how dramatically life can change. Suicide takes away any chance that you have of making things better. It shows you how much you can affect someone by your ridicule and by stuff you think is absolutely harmless.

I haven't shared this with a lot of people. Only about 6-7. My brother, my girlfriend, a couple of close friends, and I even shared it with the bullies that almost put me six feet under. It changed their lives.

I hope by reading my personal experience, maybe it helps someone here on DC, or someone somebody on DC knows. I don't know.

I was just curious what kind of stories people have about depression on here and what they have gone through themselves.

Anyone got anything to share?

[JacktheRipper]

I'm currently on anti-depressives and have been suffering from clinical depression for a few years now. I can relate to your story. I have never taken it that far, but there have been many times where I really considered it. It's a horrible thing to be going through. I know, I struggle with it everyday.

[I am a huge CUNT]

It still affects me today even though I never did it. I have nightmares about it.

I don't deal with the depression anymore. I laugh a lot. I just realize I can never go back to being that way. Jimmy V's speech inspired me a lot too. Laugh every day. It's the best.

It helps me as well. People who try and hurt me can't because it's nothing compared to what I had to deal with in Indiana.

[JacktheRipper]

msuspartan2 said:

It still affects me today even though I never did it. I have nightmares about it.

I don't deal with the depression anymore. I laugh a lot. I just realize I can never go back to being that way. Jimmy V's speech inspired me a lot too. Laugh every day. It's the best.

It helps me as well. People who try and hurt me can't because it's nothing compared to what I had to deal with in Indiana.

Glad to hear you are doing better man.

[Keeper]

I've dealt with clinical depression (I've talked about it on here before I believe) ever since I went through one period of harassment in middle school. In the grand scheme of life it was a very small and unimportant incident, but it completely affected me to the point where it's still a factor today. I have absolutely zero self-confidence in truth, I have just always been very good at dressing myself up otherwise. Have never taken medication, I refused when I was offered a while back, and I never was suicidal.

Suicide is a scary thing, in that you don't realize just how common those feelings are, you'd never guess the people around you that have been close to doing it themselves.

[Buzz Killington]

keepereusc said:

Suicide is a scary thing, in that you don't realize just how common those feelings are, you'd never guess the people around you that have been close to doing it themselves.

I never would have guessed that you (well, when you told me), or Bama, or Spartan or honestly any of you were suicidal. I guess it is a much more common occurence than I had thought. Especially since the three of you come across as the most self-confident people on DC.

I don't think I have any sort of depression, but I'm honestly not sure. Maybe I was depressed back in the day, but it wasn't major enough for me to even consider suicide. And now I'm okay. Again, I think.

[detroitbasketball]

I somehow have a mindset where none of the crap from school bothers me anymore. I don't know how I do it, but it just doesn't bug me. Obviously I'm not the prettiest thing in the world (for all the grief I take on here over one damn picture) but it doesn't much matter, I don't get made fun of anymore (well, except by you guys I've never actually considered suicide at all, although I'd say my self-confidence is pretty low (whenever I embark on a task, I usually say in all seriousness "Well let's see how I screw this up.") There are times I've wondered how people would react if I died or something like that, but never suicidal thoughts, so I'm a pretty lucky person, plus none of my friends (or acquaintances even) have offed themselves.

But damn Spartan, now I feel bad about all the suicide jokes in the Death Pool thread

[Freak93]

I think everyone at some point of their life goes through a type of 'depression'. Some will feel it much harder than others ever will.

I had a pretty dark time between the ages of 12 and 15. To say it was depression would be wrong, but I was quite down. This was when my parents separated. Most of the time it wasn't suicidal events, but I did things I guess as a cry for attention. Luckily for me I had people around who looked after my well being no matter what the stupid things my parents done or said at the time.

Every now and then I hit times where I get really down thinking about certain things in my life. These eat at me and really just knock me down. The worst is when I get these thoughts in dreams. I will wake up from a dead sleep and just feel completely strange and indifferent.

There are times when ideas of suicide come to mind. Most of the time though, what has me there just isn't worth it. More often then not the sadness turns to just being annoyed and, for lack of a better word, completely pissed off.

I heard a quote once that I try to apply to life as best I can when these things start affecting me. It just reminds me to look on the bright side no matter what, and enjoy when I am in a good place.

To be honest, I feel the events I've encountered in my past don't really drive me to depression, but just to mental disorder. Partially I think I have Schizophrenia. That however, is another discussion entirely.

Also, it is good to see here that nobody has turned to alcohol as a possible cure to any sort of depression. That will do nothing to heal any problems you feel and ultimately distances you from the ones you truly care about. Again, another discussion entirely.

[JacktheRipper]

keepereusc said:

I've dealt with clinical depression (I've talked about it on here before I believe) ever since I went through one period of harassment in middle school. In the grand scheme of life it was a very small and unimportant incident, but it completely affected me to the point where it's still a factor today. I have absolutely zero self-confidence in truth, I have just always been very good at dressing myself up otherwise. Have never taken medication, I refused when I was offered a while back, and I never was suicidal.

Suicide is a scary thing, in that you don't realize just how common those feelings are, you'd never guess the people around you that have been close to doing it themselves.

I can understand not taking them, refused to even consider it for a very long time. Talked with my doctor in Baton Rouge, a guy I really trust, and he basically told me that I probably wouldn't shake it without medicine. I took some weird test at the office and basically I was moderatly to severely depressed. Not a good thing. The meds though have done wonders. I hate the fact that I take them, because I didn't even take pain pills when I broke my ankle or tore up my achilles. It was my last option, and frankly I'm glad I decided to give in and take them.

Oh and usma, I'm the type that masks my feelings about everything. I also like to use jokes and humor as my crutch. I think most guys that deal with it use these tools. There's a pride thing invovled, at least with me. I'm talking about it on here because I don't know you people personally. Only three of my friends and my parents know about my problems. I could be much worse and I got help, so I consider myself lucky.

[Claytons Crew]

We all get depressed at some point in time in our life. When I get mad, sad, depressed, etc. I will either read some football or horse racing stuff or pray. After I pray I just feel like I started over from an hour ago. It makes me feel good and forget the bad things. Praying is like a drug to me and I'm addicted to it.

[Keeper]

I am odd in that I think everyone knows how I am, yet I don't think people believe it, because I just act a lot. I'm a really outgoing person, but beneath every way I can act, I entirely lack self-confidence. So it's incredibly easy for me to play it off as though there's not an issue, when it's really deep rooted.

[SilverChaosVII]

I don't think any of you know this but I was really bad for the last 3 or 4 years.

Well I was, I'm getting better now. I've actually been pretty good for about 6 months or so now. But for almost as long as you have all known me on here I've not been well.

I was extremely depressed. I was often picked on at school. Not popular by any means. I hated waking up each and every morning.

Much like Spartans story, I snapped actually more often than once. Twice I did almost the same thing mentioned in that story. And each time after it happened I hated myself more only because I didn't have the courage to go through with it.

I'm now extremely happy I didn't go through with it but at the time... well you know.

But I was always really good at hiding it. Nobody ever knew about it until my senior year in high school. (It started sometime around my freshman year) I was giving my farewell speech and I told everyone of them how it was.

And I think that is what did it for me. Ever since that day I haven't had any problems really. I mean everyone gets upset every once in awhile but I haven't gone that far at all. Actually, this is probably the happiest I can ever remember being.

But yeah, it's weird. You look at some people and you would never expect it. You need to think twice before you say stuff to people. You never really know the effect it may have.

[JackTheRipper]

Yeah i've been down this road and actually still struggle with it. I, like bama and many others, tend to mask it most of the time and push it back.

Like pretty much everyone else, it started in school, right before I moved to Ohio. I was super shy and had trust issues after a falling out with good friends before I left Buffalo. I was pretty much the outcast kid in every sense of the word until my senior year when something in me just clicked and I thought "just be you and if there are people out there who don't like you, f*** them, you don't need 'em." And it's honestly helped me to this day. I've weeded out some people in my life who hurt more than helped and I'm better off for it.

[bearcat]

jacktheripper said:

Yeah i've been down this road and actually still struggle with it. I, like bama and many others, tend to mask it most of the time and push it back.

Like pretty much everyone else, it started in school, right before I moved to Ohio. I was super shy and had trust issues after a falling out with good friends before I left Buffalo. I was pretty much the outcast kid in every sense of the word until my senior year when something in me just clicked and I thought "just be you and if there are people out there who don't like you, f*** them, you don't need 'em." And it's honestly helped me to this day. I've weeded out some people in my life who hurt more than helped and I'm better off for it.

Good piece of advice right here.

Getting rid of people (or things) that have a negative influence on you is like "addition by subtraction". I kinda went through this too in high school, and even somewhat into college. Much better off for it.

[LjSnUo]

jacktheripper said:

"just be you and if there are people out there who don't like you, f*** them, you don't need 'em." .

I agree with this statement completely. When I can take myself out of situations and kind of get a big picture view of the whole thing I realize that but when it comes to individual relationships i don't have a lot of confidence. I been having a hard time getting a read on girls lately, not been able to just nut up and make the move and ask em to dinner/lunch/movie something.

Hopefully i get my shit together here soon because i would love to get some pussy.

[r3dnek]

i had some pretty suicidal thoughts all throughout middle school, and really hated life, but when i got to high school and got away from those a**holes in middle school, things got better

i was really good up until i just broke up with my g/f, and now i find myself becoming occasionally depressed, not suicidal, but just going through the general grief of losing someone i care about

but yeah i'd have a hard time believing anyone if they said they never at least thought about suicide, because it definitely seems like the best way out at times, but to me it's without question the most selfish and cowardly thing someone can do

[JacktheRipper]

r3dnek said:

i had some pretty suicidal thoughts all throughout middle school, and really hated life, but when i got to high school and got away from those a**holes in middle school, things got better

i was really good up until i just broke up with my g/f, and now i find myself becoming occasionally depressed, not suicidal, but just going through the general grief of losing someone i care about

but yeah i'd have a hard time believing anyone if they said they never at least thought about suicide, because it definitely seems like the best way out at times, but to me it's without question the most selfish and cowardly thing someone can do

I'm giong to argue this last point a bit. I don't think anyone who kills themselves is in the right frame of mind. When I had those thoughts (and still sometimes do) I'm not thinking rationally. This dark emotion takes over and you just feel worthless, like death would be such a better thing than living this awful existance. A priest that I basically grew up around has Bipolar disorder and has tried to kill himself twice. He wouldn't have done it normally, but the depression (like actual chemically driven depression) takes over and the person is not in any shape to think about what he or she is doing.

I agree that it is selfish if you think about what you are going to do to all of those people who care about you. Just suggesting that anyone who goes through with it is not in the right frame of mind and shouldn't be seen with such a terrible social stigma.

[JackTheRipper]

I agree with Bama. Honestly, that's really the only thing that has stopped me in the past. I couldn't bring myself to make those that cared about me sad.

[r3dnek]

well re-reading my post, my point came off a little more harsh than i intended

basically i'm saying in hindsight it's a really selfish thing to do, but i must say i've been in that dark state of mind before where death sounded better than living, and again what stopped me was the thought of my mom and dad and family members potentially going crazy as well, cuz suicide can really f*ck up a family

[JacktheRipper]

r3dnek said:

well re-reading my post, my point came off a little more harsh than i intended

basically i'm saying in hindsight it's a really selfish thing to do, but i must say i've been in that dark state of mind before where death sounded better than living, and again what stopped me was the thought of my mom and dad and family members potentially going crazy as well, cuz suicide can really f*ck up a family

Exactly. I can remember one time I came damn close to doing it. Was driving, and just wanted to drive off the interstate straight into a tree. Yeah, dark times indeed. The thing that stopped me was thinking about my dad. If I ever did something like that, he would be a shell of a man for the rest of his life. My dad and I are very close, closer than most, so doing that to him wasn't worth the escape. Thankfully, I've always been too worried about hurting loved ones to actually hurt myself. It's a good thing I got help though, because I was going down a very bad path for a year or so. Kept going, and I just may have done something drastic like that.