Post by JacktheRipper on Jul 10, 2008 14:39:35 GMT -5
This was taken from another board, but is still awesome.
I hereby present to you the Field Guide to the Drunks of North America.
The Friday Night Penitent: This species insists on tearfully apologizing to everyone present for every slight, betrayal, and injury to pride or body that he or she has ever committed against them. Not only is this embarrassing and annoying to the other partygoers, but it also turns an otherwise decent party into an episode of "Dr. Phil." Friday Night Penitents are responsible for roughly 85% of all North American drunk dials.
The 007: Magically develops the astonishing power to effortlessly get any woman of his choosing into the sack by virtue of charm, suavity, or physical prowess, none of which are present in the subject under normal circumstances. 007s are traditionally male, although female specimens have been observed in the field.
The Comedian: While the Comedian, when sober, may occasionally produce small pieces of quality humor, he or she really shines when inebriated. While a Comedian can be very entertaining to have around at a party, it is also a double-edged sword, as Comedians tend to dominate conversations, hurt feelings, and (among those Comedians who have Knoxvillian leanings) wreck furniture.
The Tazmanian Devil: Carries the extraordinary and mysterious ability to metabolize alcohol into an extremely potent fuel for the body. As such, the Tazmanian Devil, usually a calm and docile person, becomes a near-unstoppable force of nature after several drinks. The Tazmanian Devil routinely outdrinks everyone at social gatherings and never appears worse than slightly tipsy, all the while maintaining a mind-boggling energy level.
The Recreational Aggressor: By far the most dangerous of the common drunks, the Recreational Aggressor, upon achieving a respectably high blood alcohol content, looks to further entertain himself by beating the s*** out of someone. It doesn't necessarily have to be a particular person, and if the course of events fails to produce an opportunity to fight, then the Recreational Aggressor will manufacture one.
The Leona: Alcohol turns some women into touchy, spiteful bitches, and we call those women "Leonas." Leonas generally only manifest themselves when threatened by the presence of other females who are more aesthetically pleasing and/or are attracting more attention from the males in attendance. In such cases, a Leona may pass through three phases of irritation. Level 1 (or The Initial Frost): the Leona sits, arms crossed, saying very little to anyone, usually while staring at the offending female and rolling her eyes. Level 2 (or Thunder in the Distance): the Leona begins complaining to other women about the offending female, sometimes incorporating snarky commentary about the offender's hygiene or appearance. Level 3 (or Ragnarok): the Leona approaches the offender and starts some s***, which in most cases will lead to a catfight. If you have to get stuck dealing with a Leona at your party, pray to God that she gets this frustrated.
The Introspector: A very annoying type of drunk, the Introspector is that one person at the party who drinks and sits off by him- or herself in the corner, looking pensive and answering all appeals to come and join the festivities with a few mumbled words and a wan smile. These drunks must be handled with extreme caution, as a few carelessly chosen words or failure to take special notice of the subject is liable to turn an Introspector into a Weeping Willow (see below).
The Whore With a Mortgage: Very much the opposite of the 007, this variety of drunk is peculiar in that observing a Whore With a Mortgage can be depressing, hilarious, or both of them simultaneously. The nomenclature springs from the fact that their ever more desperate--and unsuccessful--attempts to attract a sexual partner via stomach-turning flirtation and seduction methods is strangely reminiscent of the sales approach of a hooker who needs to sell fifteen more BJs in the next four hours to make the house payment on time. Males of the species have also been referred to as "Continentals."
The Lincoln-Douglas: If the general topic of conversation at a party touches, even for an instant, upon an historically contentious issue such as religion or politics, the presence of a Lincoln-Douglas will ensure that it becomes the dominant subject of discussion. This species has been known to destroy marriages and lifelong friendships, and in rare cases--usually when in the presence of a Recreational Aggressor--inspire acts of criminal violence.
The Accountant: Accountants take immense pride in the volume of alcohol they consume, and go to great lengths to remind everybody how many bottles of beer they've had throughout the evening. For the Accountant, it is all about the bottom line. Scarlett Johansson could be leaned over from the passenger seat, spit-shining your yogurt cannon as you're driving away from the party and this guy would still be standing in the driveway, shouting something to the effect of, "big f***ing deal, dude, you only killed nine. I'm on number twenty-six!"
The Diceman: The Diceman is the Whore With a Mortgage of humor, and the evil twin of the Comedian. The Diceman will spew crude comments and racially or sexually bigoted cracks, and will consistently fail to elicit laughter. However, the Diceman will never for a moment believe that he isn't absolutely on fire, and the assault will continue until he passes out or is removed from the premises.
The Weeping Willow: Possibly the most irritating variety of drunk to deal with, the Weeping Willow becomes overly emotional over a horses*** issue (these wail-fests usually revolve around something like "I really did love that dog, he was like my brother," or "why can't I find a man?") and proceeds to weep, wail, ask for advice he/she doesn't want to hear and will not accept, and hug every... damn... person... in sight. The most common tactic for handling a Weeping Willow is to keep the alcohol flowing until he/she passes out. A less savory but immensely funnier strategem is to pawn him/her off on a fellow partygoer. Do be warned, however, that employing this solution may lead to unintended, possibly fatal, consequences.
The Town Crier: The term "Town Crier" often leads to confusion among people who are actually observing Weeping Willows. The Town Crier is, in fact, the person at the party who, upon becoming privy to some juicy morsel of gossip--or boring non-gossip, as is usually the case--takes it upon him- or herself to inform everyone else in attendance. Because most people at the party couldn't possibly give a s*** about whatever monumental news bulletin is being disseminated, the Town Crier is left to spread the word single-handedly, in excited tones, to a completely uninterested collection of partygoers.
The Late Bloomer: The Late Bloomer is almost universally female, something of a rarity in this guide. This species will turn down certain drinks early on in the party, claiming (with wrinkled nose, for added effect) that she "doesn't drink hard liquor," typically voicing a preference for some low-octane bulls*** like wine coolers or Zima. Things take a dramatic turn anywhere from two to three hours down the road, however, when the Late Bloomer is suddenly all too fond of vodka, gin, rye, rum, scotch, tequila, bourbon, ouzo, everclear, lighter fluid, turpentine and pretty much anything else that is shoved into her hand. Anything and everything is guzzled with great zeal, sometimes while dancing on a table and singing loudly along to A-Ha's "Take On Me."
Rip Van Winkle: This is the person who shows up at the party, has three drinks, and promptly crashes on the sofa for no readily discernible reason. The real pisser of the Rip Van Winkle is that because he's not straight-up passed-out drunk, attempts to chief/shame/antique him or her will fail, possibly catastrophically. Although this species is not technically a drunk, the potential for mistaken identity merits its inclusion in this guide.
The Exhibitionist: Exceptionally irritating, the Exhibitionist is that one f***tard at the party who can't keep his or her clothing on. For the Exhibitionist, any excuse for whipping out ordinarily unseen anatomy will suffice. Sometimes, it's quite a stretch. A conversation about the works of Edgar Degas may be interrupted by an Exhibitionist, hooting that he read somewhere that Degas had a legendarily huge d*** and did any of y'all ever hear about that and do you think he's got as big a d*** as Edgar Degas and then suddenly you and your friends are having to avert your eyes from Sausage Boy, who's grinning like the f***ing village idiot despite the fact that it was obvious to all who caught even an accidental, blurry glance at his crank as they spun away in embarrassment and horror that not only is his d*** not as big as Degas's, but Degas in fact was probably better hung than this a**hole while he was still in the womb.
Awesome
I hereby present to you the Field Guide to the Drunks of North America.
The Friday Night Penitent: This species insists on tearfully apologizing to everyone present for every slight, betrayal, and injury to pride or body that he or she has ever committed against them. Not only is this embarrassing and annoying to the other partygoers, but it also turns an otherwise decent party into an episode of "Dr. Phil." Friday Night Penitents are responsible for roughly 85% of all North American drunk dials.
The 007: Magically develops the astonishing power to effortlessly get any woman of his choosing into the sack by virtue of charm, suavity, or physical prowess, none of which are present in the subject under normal circumstances. 007s are traditionally male, although female specimens have been observed in the field.
The Comedian: While the Comedian, when sober, may occasionally produce small pieces of quality humor, he or she really shines when inebriated. While a Comedian can be very entertaining to have around at a party, it is also a double-edged sword, as Comedians tend to dominate conversations, hurt feelings, and (among those Comedians who have Knoxvillian leanings) wreck furniture.
The Tazmanian Devil: Carries the extraordinary and mysterious ability to metabolize alcohol into an extremely potent fuel for the body. As such, the Tazmanian Devil, usually a calm and docile person, becomes a near-unstoppable force of nature after several drinks. The Tazmanian Devil routinely outdrinks everyone at social gatherings and never appears worse than slightly tipsy, all the while maintaining a mind-boggling energy level.
The Recreational Aggressor: By far the most dangerous of the common drunks, the Recreational Aggressor, upon achieving a respectably high blood alcohol content, looks to further entertain himself by beating the s*** out of someone. It doesn't necessarily have to be a particular person, and if the course of events fails to produce an opportunity to fight, then the Recreational Aggressor will manufacture one.
The Leona: Alcohol turns some women into touchy, spiteful bitches, and we call those women "Leonas." Leonas generally only manifest themselves when threatened by the presence of other females who are more aesthetically pleasing and/or are attracting more attention from the males in attendance. In such cases, a Leona may pass through three phases of irritation. Level 1 (or The Initial Frost): the Leona sits, arms crossed, saying very little to anyone, usually while staring at the offending female and rolling her eyes. Level 2 (or Thunder in the Distance): the Leona begins complaining to other women about the offending female, sometimes incorporating snarky commentary about the offender's hygiene or appearance. Level 3 (or Ragnarok): the Leona approaches the offender and starts some s***, which in most cases will lead to a catfight. If you have to get stuck dealing with a Leona at your party, pray to God that she gets this frustrated.
The Introspector: A very annoying type of drunk, the Introspector is that one person at the party who drinks and sits off by him- or herself in the corner, looking pensive and answering all appeals to come and join the festivities with a few mumbled words and a wan smile. These drunks must be handled with extreme caution, as a few carelessly chosen words or failure to take special notice of the subject is liable to turn an Introspector into a Weeping Willow (see below).
The Whore With a Mortgage: Very much the opposite of the 007, this variety of drunk is peculiar in that observing a Whore With a Mortgage can be depressing, hilarious, or both of them simultaneously. The nomenclature springs from the fact that their ever more desperate--and unsuccessful--attempts to attract a sexual partner via stomach-turning flirtation and seduction methods is strangely reminiscent of the sales approach of a hooker who needs to sell fifteen more BJs in the next four hours to make the house payment on time. Males of the species have also been referred to as "Continentals."
The Lincoln-Douglas: If the general topic of conversation at a party touches, even for an instant, upon an historically contentious issue such as religion or politics, the presence of a Lincoln-Douglas will ensure that it becomes the dominant subject of discussion. This species has been known to destroy marriages and lifelong friendships, and in rare cases--usually when in the presence of a Recreational Aggressor--inspire acts of criminal violence.
The Accountant: Accountants take immense pride in the volume of alcohol they consume, and go to great lengths to remind everybody how many bottles of beer they've had throughout the evening. For the Accountant, it is all about the bottom line. Scarlett Johansson could be leaned over from the passenger seat, spit-shining your yogurt cannon as you're driving away from the party and this guy would still be standing in the driveway, shouting something to the effect of, "big f***ing deal, dude, you only killed nine. I'm on number twenty-six!"
The Diceman: The Diceman is the Whore With a Mortgage of humor, and the evil twin of the Comedian. The Diceman will spew crude comments and racially or sexually bigoted cracks, and will consistently fail to elicit laughter. However, the Diceman will never for a moment believe that he isn't absolutely on fire, and the assault will continue until he passes out or is removed from the premises.
The Weeping Willow: Possibly the most irritating variety of drunk to deal with, the Weeping Willow becomes overly emotional over a horses*** issue (these wail-fests usually revolve around something like "I really did love that dog, he was like my brother," or "why can't I find a man?") and proceeds to weep, wail, ask for advice he/she doesn't want to hear and will not accept, and hug every... damn... person... in sight. The most common tactic for handling a Weeping Willow is to keep the alcohol flowing until he/she passes out. A less savory but immensely funnier strategem is to pawn him/her off on a fellow partygoer. Do be warned, however, that employing this solution may lead to unintended, possibly fatal, consequences.
The Town Crier: The term "Town Crier" often leads to confusion among people who are actually observing Weeping Willows. The Town Crier is, in fact, the person at the party who, upon becoming privy to some juicy morsel of gossip--or boring non-gossip, as is usually the case--takes it upon him- or herself to inform everyone else in attendance. Because most people at the party couldn't possibly give a s*** about whatever monumental news bulletin is being disseminated, the Town Crier is left to spread the word single-handedly, in excited tones, to a completely uninterested collection of partygoers.
The Late Bloomer: The Late Bloomer is almost universally female, something of a rarity in this guide. This species will turn down certain drinks early on in the party, claiming (with wrinkled nose, for added effect) that she "doesn't drink hard liquor," typically voicing a preference for some low-octane bulls*** like wine coolers or Zima. Things take a dramatic turn anywhere from two to three hours down the road, however, when the Late Bloomer is suddenly all too fond of vodka, gin, rye, rum, scotch, tequila, bourbon, ouzo, everclear, lighter fluid, turpentine and pretty much anything else that is shoved into her hand. Anything and everything is guzzled with great zeal, sometimes while dancing on a table and singing loudly along to A-Ha's "Take On Me."
Rip Van Winkle: This is the person who shows up at the party, has three drinks, and promptly crashes on the sofa for no readily discernible reason. The real pisser of the Rip Van Winkle is that because he's not straight-up passed-out drunk, attempts to chief/shame/antique him or her will fail, possibly catastrophically. Although this species is not technically a drunk, the potential for mistaken identity merits its inclusion in this guide.
The Exhibitionist: Exceptionally irritating, the Exhibitionist is that one f***tard at the party who can't keep his or her clothing on. For the Exhibitionist, any excuse for whipping out ordinarily unseen anatomy will suffice. Sometimes, it's quite a stretch. A conversation about the works of Edgar Degas may be interrupted by an Exhibitionist, hooting that he read somewhere that Degas had a legendarily huge d*** and did any of y'all ever hear about that and do you think he's got as big a d*** as Edgar Degas and then suddenly you and your friends are having to avert your eyes from Sausage Boy, who's grinning like the f***ing village idiot despite the fact that it was obvious to all who caught even an accidental, blurry glance at his crank as they spun away in embarrassment and horror that not only is his d*** not as big as Degas's, but Degas in fact was probably better hung than this a**hole while he was still in the womb.
Awesome
