Max Hoffman: Son of a Star

[PrimadonnaPictures]

[PrimadonnaPictures]

Profile:

High School Team: Mater Dei Matadors (Santa Ana, CA)
Position: WR
Class: Senior

Bio: Son of Academy Award winning actor Dustin Hoffman, Maxwell (Max to his friends) is choosing a different path. Older brother Jacob picked Acting (You may have seen him in "Click") Max picked sports. While playing TE in pop warner and junior high school.
Before transferring from Beverly Hills HS, due to an altercation with the head coach there, to Mater Dei to play with Matt Barkley. Barkley on the 11th game of the season, went down with a torn ACL. Replacing him was second string Javier Garcia (not a favorite among the receiving crew, due to his inability to throw a long ball). Now the first game with Garcia, Mater Dei plays the 1-10 Martinez HS Eagles, the last game before the California High Football Playoffs.

[JackTheRipper]

Liked the idea before the profile.

[PrimadonnaPictures]

Last Game of the season.

Well guys we had our last game of the season tonight v.s Martinez. They are one shitty team so it was basically a scrimmage to see if Javier could run the offense in a game.

I'll tell you right off the bat. Javier sucks. Actually JAVIER SUCKS. Dude can't throw the damn ball for shit and its really killin my stats. He has the arm strength of a 10 year old so basically all our routes tonight were short slants and outs. Good thing I'm on the team though to make the yards happen. Honestly without me, this team would lose so bad to even a shitty team like Martinez.

So I ran the show tonight. I think my final stats were 13 catches for 328 yards and 6TDS. Typical game from a god-like athlete like myself. I told coach just let me be QB I'll run the show and Javier can go back to sidelines cooking up beans on his hot plate but whatever.

After the game while I was trying to get this Martinez cheerleaders digits, I got hounded by some of the college scouts in the stands. Seriously why do some of these teams even waste money coming out to my games? I'm not gonna go to just any school. I was first approached by the WR scout from Duke. This is how its went down:

Duke Scout "Hey Max, I saw your performance tonight. I was extremely impressed."
God (aka Me) "Oh yeah? not the first time I heard that."
Duke Scout "Well I'm here from Duke"
Me "Wait where are you from?"
Duke Scout "Duke University from Durham, North Carolina"
Me "Save your breath dude, You guys suck and NC sucks. I vacationed there for a week. I seriously wanted to kill someone. I'm not ever going there."

Then I bailed. I got stopped again by a scout from Rutgers, Boston College and Kansas State.. Why!? Why? do they even try? I'm not gonna go east coast.

After getting undressed and what not, I'm walking to my Escalade and standing there is ANOTHER scout. Seriously its my car, don't hang by my car dude. Anyways He was from Cal-Berkley and well at least they're on the good side of the US but I don't really like Tedford, dude seems like Richard Dreyfus, TOTALLY BORING.
Anyways next week is the first round of the playoffs. We are slated to play the Rialto Rams. We played them in my sophomore season. From what I remember they have a shitty secondary, but extremely hot cheerleaders, like Gina. Hmm... yeah I should call that bitch up again.

Peace out,

Max

[cooljayhu]

one post and I already want to slap this kid back to reality

[Jewel27]

haha nice

I know a Max Hoffman

[detroitbasketball]

Oct 13, 2008 15:07:51 GMT -5 cooljayhu said:

one post and I already want to slap this kid back to reality

seconded

[PrimadonnaPictures]

Oct 13, 2008 15:27:08 GMT -5 detroitbasketball said:

Oct 13, 2008 15:07:51 GMT -5 cooljayhu said:

one post and I already want to slap this kid back to reality

seconded

Even better. Heh. 1st round game will be up soon.

[PrimadonnaPictures]

Not even Champ Bailey can stop me

Honestly the title says it all. We raped Rialto, But that's a little later. So before class today we had a light practice to get the game plan down.. what's so hard about just getting me the ball? the wins happen when I get the ball, plain and simple.

Anyways during the film session we watched Rialto play Hawthorne and just watching the Rialto corners made me happy cause I could play like 65% and still beat the shit out of them. How the hell they make playoffs? did they just beat some little leaguers? So after watching some of the game film I knew what I had to do, just show up and I'll win. So I got in a nice nap in before classes started.

After class I got a text message from the Kansas University scout. He said he was at the Martinez game and plans to be there tonight. I didn't answer him though cause seriously who wants to play for that fat fuck Mangino? On to the playoff game!

We showed up and I knew we had won. I talked to so much shit to this corner that he finally got a personal foul against me for trying to fight me. You can't hurt this, you can only hope to slow me down. I ended up with 13catches for 360yards and 6 TDs... ALL ON SHORT SLANTS and the use of my amazing talent we shit stomped Rialto, I think it ended 59-21 I stopped caring about the game when I sat the 4th quarter, told coach "I'm done being god for tonight." After the game I was again swarmed by all the hot bitches in school. Most of them I've been with so they're old news you know? I did get more shitty team scouts to try to talk to me. I pretty much brushed them off but Washington (Nice try Ty, you'll get a contract extension before I sign there,) Arizona and Ball state (Hahaha.... Ball State.. are they even D-1?)

Army even had the nuts to send a scout to talk to me. I'm way to good looking for the army. I'm not ugly enough to play wishbone and lose 12 games a season. Brian Kelly, himself showed up for the game. If you don't know who he is, he's the coach for Cincy Bearcats. I told him I liked that he came and didn't send some dipshit scout but I can't play in the Big East they're one step above the MAC.

I bailed the field after that called up some of those hunnies from the field and got some green. We smoked and did the no pants dance many times. I love being me...

Oh, oh by the way we play Oceanside HS Surfriders in the 2nd round. They're actually a good team for the coast but its not like thats gonna slow me down, like I said Champ Bailey himself cant shut me down.

Peace out,

Max

[JackTheRipper]

Max knows he's a white kid, right?

[Keeper]

This is the first thing I've read on here in a while, and I will continue reading in hopes he suffers a career ending injury.

[PrimadonnaPictures]

I DON'T BLOCK FOR NO ONE!

So we got past Rialto... Obviously I played the game so we won. Next up was Oceanside, basically a solid offensive team but once I hit the field their defense shits the bed. Anyways before the we get to the game, I gots stories.

So Thursday before the game there's a knock at my house (I live in the 3 bedroom guest house) and who is it but Alabama head coach Nick Saban and the receivers coach Curt Cignetti. Before I let them in I had to push the hung over bitches out my back door but they came in and talked to me about heading to Bama. Now I gotta say I don't hate Alabama or anything but they just aren't my style. I need to go where the passing is. They said they picked up the #2 receiver in the nation out of Foley, AL Julio Jones on a verbal and they'd like to push for a better pass game. Obviously they wanna be better in the pass game they just need me, I'm all the pass game any team needs. They bounced after 45mins and said they'd be at the game tonight.

Now to the game. Oceanside has a nice stadium because its right by the beach. Coach was pretty fired up about pushing the points down their throats and well I stood up and said then don't let Javier plays cause he fucking sucks (Ha Ha Ha.) Anyways first quarter went well I was amazing as usual. We missed an extra point on my first TD.. I told coach we should just go for 2 and give me the ball but whatever. So at halftime the score was 20-0 us, and as usual I made all the points happen. We started the 3rd quarter out with 8 rushing plays and 1 pass play (not to me.. weird we didn't convert on that) I got back to the sidelines and asked coach when we gonna get me the ball and screw running it to that half-retard Deonte Collins (Our POS HB.) He said he's gonna be getting the plays cause he wants to run down the clock. I straight told him right there "Fuck that I ain't blocking for some bitch ass RB! Do I look like a fat lineman? I don't block for no one! I catch the balls and win games! Get me the ball."

That's when coach made the worst move of his life. I was benched for the rest of the game. I ended up not caring what happens to the team because well the team isn't out there! Hes riding the bench so I basically spent the night check out our cheerleaders. We did end up winning 27-9. Funny how we only score one more time without me. When will these coach learn I am Mater Dei football.

After the snooze fest I got pestered by some more weak ass team scouts. Rutgers won't get the hint I don't like them, West Virgina talked to me but I told them I don't have a hot sister so I won't go there, and Air Force tried to talk to me but I ignored them. Saban was there at the game but he didn't talk to me after the game. I guess he doesn't want to have the best pass offense. Ron Zook sent his OC out to talk to me after the game I listened and pretty much told him what I thought about Juice Williams.. A lot like what I think of Javier. The only team that has talked to me that maybe has a shot is Ohio State. I told them get a good QB and I'll think about it. They told me they might be getting Terrelle Pryor to sign but its up in the air right now. I said "Maybe."

I still have UCLA, USC and Oklahoma as my top 3 teams right now. OU seems pretty good with that Sam Bradford at QB, and Well USC and UCLA are right in my backyard pretty much. Hawai'i called and I'm pretty much just leading them on to get a free trip out there.

I got a call from Reggie Bush after the game as he was in La for a couple nights so I met up with him and Leinart to a party at Chateau Marmot. Pretty fun, got drunk as fuck and hooked up with this Maxim bitch. Not a bad night after a shitty game of watching shitty football.

We play Palmdale HS Scorpions in the State finals next weekend at the Rose Bowl, in Pasadena. Palmdale is ranked #74 in the nation. They might actually be tough.. But we'll win cause I'm playing.

Peace Out,
Max

[cooljayhu]

if i were his coach I would boot him off so fast his head would spin. I wouldn't care if I lost every game from there on

[PrimadonnaPictures]

Beaner QBs are the worse


So its been awhile since I've written and I have a lot of news to get to you guys. First off I'll let you know what happened in the State Championship.

So we are playing Palmdale HS Scorpions. Actually not a bad team so We should play well, Which means get me the ball and watch me amaze right? Sort of. IF NOT FOR A BEANER QB named Javier Garcia, we would've beaten Palmdale. That worthless lazy douchebag throws with the arm strength of a 7 year old amputee. With Javier throwing 5, count them 5 INTs we end up losing to Palmdale with the score of 14-10. Seriously coach I'd say leave his Rio Grande swim team ass in Pasadena. But I did end up getting to talk to some GOOD college head coaches. Mark Richt came out from Georgia and Mack Brown came to the game. I did tell Brown though if I was gonna go to the Big 12 I'd go to Oklahoma.

Anyways the season ended and Of course I broke records. I beat the California receiving record for yards and TDs. Pretty cool there was a nice lunch there and they gave me what well my god given talents gave me. After that the college recruiting got really heavy. I talked more and more with teams and well A LOT of teams promised me starting roles. West Virgina, Clemson, Kansas and BYU all offered me starting roles. Virgina Tech, Texas A&M, Oklahoma State and UCONN all offered me #1 WR spots and Cal, Central Michigan and USF all promised me that I'd make Freshman All-American, pssh I knew I'd make that anyways.

I did talk to Bob Stoops at Oklahoma and told him that I wanted to play there.. Well Stoops told me that my personality wouldn't fit at OU, so fuck him right? My personality fits anywhere that likes winning, good luck in the fiesta bowl again, dickbag. I was about 2 hours from verbally committing to USC for a 2nd WR spot till I got the call....

My phone rang and I checked it out and it was Rich Rodriguez. He called to offer a scholarship to Michigan and that if I accepted that I would be promised a starting spot and the famous #1 jersey number. I thought about it and well I really like RichRod's moxie. The guys does what we wants and really doesn't care what people say. Hes seems like the guy that I could get along with and well I can make all fans in wolverine nation forget about Braylon Edwards. So.. I said "Yes" I committed to the University Of Michigan.

Told my dad the good news while he was on the set of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (Honestly still trying to figure out why he said yes to that piece of shit) But He was excited for me (probably to get me out of the guest house) but now I'm writing from my penthouse apartment in Ann Arbor.

We have Utah up for our first game of the season and well coach has been extra tough about showing off this offense to the world. With me on the field that will happen 100%. Coach Rodriguez is pretty badass and he knows me, my style and my game, Winning and that's what I do.

Peace out,
Max

[detroitbasketball]

Even more reason to hate Michigan!

[JackTheRipper]

Oct 17, 2008 23:09:49 GMT -5 detroitbasketball said:

Even more reason to hate Michigan!

Why I oughtta..

[PrimadonnaPictures]

The Start of a Superstar

So yesterday was the beginning to an amazing career at Michigan. I played my first game versus University of Utah and well I did not disappoint. I slid on my new Blue #1 Jersey over my pads, headed out the tunnel and well I started my journey; Erase Braylon Edwards from the history books.

The game started slow for me. Coach Rod wanted to stablize the offense and well that started with ALOT of run plays. You remember how I talked about I hate blocking? Well I do, but the new runningback for our team is becoming a good friend to me. "Guff" as most call him is Sam McGuffie and he's from Texas. We are both freshman so we have a common bond. Besides the fact that we are both white offensive badasses also helps.

I finally got my first catch on my first pass in a 10 yard crossing pattern. I did end up with getting more and more passes throughout the game. The game however wasn't going as well as we hoped with our defense being rusty. We went into the half being down 28-21. Guff and I were talking to the new freshman QB Steven Threet, and we pretty much figured out that we (Guff and I) need to get the ball to me to win. Coach Rod was more for setting up the run. We however did push forward in the pass plays and getting me the ball.

After finally getting the offense moving, we closed the gap pretty fast on the score. We headed into the 4th tied 38-38. That's when I came to shine and push forward my plan. Utah put up another TD and we were headed to our first loss. We got the ball back with 45 seconds to go and down 45-41, and a FG won't do shit. Coach Rod gave Guff the ball on the first 2 plays and we moved it fairly well to about the Utah 35. That's when I became the Michigan golden boy. Coach called a Shotgun Twins press corner. As the slot I go up and fly to the flag.. Well I didn't like how the corners were set-up so I wasn't gonna run that. I figured a 5 yard out past the first down marker would work. Ball Snapped, I launch off and out, turn my head and placed into my hands is the ball. I elude the first corner because I'm amazingly agile. I took off down the sidelines, I look behind and see the Ute FS chasing me down but I know... You ain't catching my ass. Once I crossed the goal line that's when I felt it. I was a wolverine god.

I finished 1st on the team in receiving stats with 7 catches for 147 yards and 1 AMAZING TOUCHDOWN. We get Miami (OH) up next week, they are a shitty MAC team so expect more amazingness from myself. Guff, Threet and I all partied that night in my apartment. We got some hot bitches over and well.. I slept a lot better

Peace out,

Max